For the past 4 days I have engaged in physical activity... logged my calorie intake, water intake, vitamins, and sleep amount.
Today I am starting to feel the difference. Yesterday I was short on sleep and hyper reactive to any input from anyone. Today I am on a more even keel and actually feeling physically better. YaY
They say it's 21 days to a new habit... I am curious to see how I feel at the end of 21 days.
I intend to go on from there working on change step by step.
I will be happy to be rid of the excess weight on my body and excess junk in my house and life... lol...
Life is a journey, some travels are an adventure
Mary E. Robbins
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Family Reactions to Behavior Changes... weight loss, working, out etc
August first 2011, I made a decision. I made no grand announcements, set off no fireworks, made no grand production. But, I must have done something differently because the reactions have already began. Actually they started yesterday.
What I did do was make my mind up that I was done letting other people's reactions, and or drama cause me to sabotage my efforts to improve my health. Perhaps my attitude shifted a bit. Well yes it shifted quite a bit... I hit the "I'm so done with this nonsense level" on my tolerance meter.
I made up my mind that with or without my husband's support I was taking this fat off my body and getting into shape. I started logging everything that goes into my mouth, logging exercise... oh yes and working out. I started refusing extra food.
Wow did that trigger a reaction. The food pushing has begun. In full force I might add. He says he loves me more and more each day. We've been together since October 1990, married October 1991. It's great that he says he loves me, and I am sure he does. But for some reason he seems terrified of me losing weight or changing behaviors.
In the past when he has started these behaviors, I would get upset, binge, and give up after having spent days in a miserable swirl of depression while he was out on the railroad.
Within the last 8 months or so I discovered my binge trigger. Totally ingrained behavior from early childhood. I had no idea what was triggering my self destructive behavior, and I've been working on said issues for quite some time. This one was buried very very deep.
My husbands reactions to my efforts have encompassed saying he was supportive, to fussing about my food choices, complaining about foods he normally likes, waiting until he knows I've given up on him getting up to join me for breakfast and gone ahead and eaten... then whining for me to fix him breakfast and eat with him. To neglecting his blood sugar to a near crash on the low side to, abusing his body with too many carbs on the high side. To insisting that I eat more than I want, to sulking and being petty, to deliberately starting an argument over some totally unrelated illogical matter.
I actually do love this guy, and most of the time I actually like him. Although I will say I am none to fond of his behavior of late. I'm not sure how to explain it. I am just done. I am done letting other folks insecurities and crap behaviors rule my life. I am done being manipulated into behaviors that I know are detrimental to my self. If that's selfish, then so be it. I've allowed these manipulations for a long, long, time so I suppose it will take a bit of time for it to sink in that they are no longer going to work. Truth be told I'm not sure I have the patience to wait out his fear of change.
I am not going to back off on my quest to be a healthy balanced individual. This fat needs to come off my body it is killing me.
I hope he can adjust and come along with me on this journey. If he doesn't start taking better care of his own body he will not be around long either. I refuse to be left here unable to function... I suppose that is a big part of my determination. That and I do not want to live the rest of my life in this miserable fat suit!
Other than venting, what is the purpose of this post? It's a heads up to folks making adjustments in their lives. The people around you may react in rather un-supportive ways even though they say they support your efforts...
Yes it's wonderful you are losing weight... have another piece of pie...
Life is a journey, sometimes those you are with are moving in another direction...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
What I did do was make my mind up that I was done letting other people's reactions, and or drama cause me to sabotage my efforts to improve my health. Perhaps my attitude shifted a bit. Well yes it shifted quite a bit... I hit the "I'm so done with this nonsense level" on my tolerance meter.
I made up my mind that with or without my husband's support I was taking this fat off my body and getting into shape. I started logging everything that goes into my mouth, logging exercise... oh yes and working out. I started refusing extra food.
Wow did that trigger a reaction. The food pushing has begun. In full force I might add. He says he loves me more and more each day. We've been together since October 1990, married October 1991. It's great that he says he loves me, and I am sure he does. But for some reason he seems terrified of me losing weight or changing behaviors.
In the past when he has started these behaviors, I would get upset, binge, and give up after having spent days in a miserable swirl of depression while he was out on the railroad.
Within the last 8 months or so I discovered my binge trigger. Totally ingrained behavior from early childhood. I had no idea what was triggering my self destructive behavior, and I've been working on said issues for quite some time. This one was buried very very deep.
My husbands reactions to my efforts have encompassed saying he was supportive, to fussing about my food choices, complaining about foods he normally likes, waiting until he knows I've given up on him getting up to join me for breakfast and gone ahead and eaten... then whining for me to fix him breakfast and eat with him. To neglecting his blood sugar to a near crash on the low side to, abusing his body with too many carbs on the high side. To insisting that I eat more than I want, to sulking and being petty, to deliberately starting an argument over some totally unrelated illogical matter.
I actually do love this guy, and most of the time I actually like him. Although I will say I am none to fond of his behavior of late. I'm not sure how to explain it. I am just done. I am done letting other folks insecurities and crap behaviors rule my life. I am done being manipulated into behaviors that I know are detrimental to my self. If that's selfish, then so be it. I've allowed these manipulations for a long, long, time so I suppose it will take a bit of time for it to sink in that they are no longer going to work. Truth be told I'm not sure I have the patience to wait out his fear of change.
I am not going to back off on my quest to be a healthy balanced individual. This fat needs to come off my body it is killing me.
I hope he can adjust and come along with me on this journey. If he doesn't start taking better care of his own body he will not be around long either. I refuse to be left here unable to function... I suppose that is a big part of my determination. That and I do not want to live the rest of my life in this miserable fat suit!
Other than venting, what is the purpose of this post? It's a heads up to folks making adjustments in their lives. The people around you may react in rather un-supportive ways even though they say they support your efforts...
Yes it's wonderful you are losing weight... have another piece of pie...
Life is a journey, sometimes those you are with are moving in another direction...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Goodby May, Hello June... Arrragh I stalled!
WoW, May is dead and gone. So are my goals for that month. For some reason I seemed to get stuck in place. Jet ski without it's rider circling around the same patch of water until it's fuel ran out.
That was me this past month. I started out great guns, rock n roll... then phttttt... Circling for days, then completely ran out of fuel. So what happened?! Feel like I'm digging around in the decomposing carcass of last month. What happened, and what can I do to change the outcome for this month?
I lost focus, lost control of my time, and frankly hid in farmville. I allowed the changes in living arrangements to overwhelm me. It's been a challenging adjustment having David at home all the time.
Even more so trying to regulate his blood sugar. When it get's high it triggers outbursts of uncontrollable rages. I had to decide this month whether I was going to stay here and subject myself to his rages or walk away. His rage triggered a panic attack, and depression in me. When his sugar is not spinning out of control he is a good guy. But when he has a piss fit and does not regulate his sugar he is a monster to be around.
It took me most of the month to decide what to do. Tough decision, we have been together since 1990. There have been fits of rage throughout the time we have been together; however the were more positive times than awful. But then he was gone 3/4 of the time working on the train. So who actually knows how much of the time he spent spinning out of control. I only know what he was like around me. He seems to lose all cognizant function when he is caught up on the rages.
The challenge is to sort out how much of it is temper tantrum, and how much of it is directly related to blood sugar that is too high. His behavior has been reminiscent of my Uncle Gene's behavior. Never knew which person you were going to be with and he could switch without a second's notice. When he was nice he was wonderful, when he was raging it was like Freddie Kruger on acid. Made life around him like walking through a live mine field. Never knew when you would step on a mine. I wonder now if he had blood sugar problems as well, because he acted as if he didn't remember his "episodes". David is the same way. I thought he was just trying to not take responsibility for his crap actions to start with; but I have come to the conclusion he has no clear memory of his actions when he is in rage.
Dealing with my Uncle growing up nearly pushed me over the edge into a complete psychotic break. It took me years of work to stabilize; and it's a tenuous stability at that. (anyone that has been through that kind of on going abuse can tell you that) David's episodes triggered some pretty destabilizing reactions within myself this past month.
I made the decision to work with him a bit longer and try to help him stabilize his blood sugar. He is going to have to take responsibility for himself at some point... time will tell what happens.
I acted out and ate too much food, and crawled into my shell and hid. For some reason it seems like the fatter I get the safer I feel. Looks like I've been hiding in a fat suit.
So; what am I going to do to change my situation.
1. I am researching diabetes, looking into healthful alternatives. Reading, researching.
2. Made a weight loss goal for myself. I would love to lose 20 lbs of fat this month. That works out to an average deficit of 2,334 calories per day. I am not going to starve myself, I am going to keep track, eat healthful, and increase physical activity.
3. How am I going to accomplish the calorie deficit: gardening, hip hop abs, oxycise, turbo jam, house cleaning, walking, incline trainer.
4. Structuring my time. Not set in stone but a daily plan; with my to do list.
5. Accept the fact that there are some things I can not change. Realize that I am not responsible for the things I can not change. I am however, responsible for those things I can change.
Yes the Serenity Prayer is a Litany in my life.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
So be it!
Life is a journey... new discoveries around each twist in the path...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
That was me this past month. I started out great guns, rock n roll... then phttttt... Circling for days, then completely ran out of fuel. So what happened?! Feel like I'm digging around in the decomposing carcass of last month. What happened, and what can I do to change the outcome for this month?
I lost focus, lost control of my time, and frankly hid in farmville. I allowed the changes in living arrangements to overwhelm me. It's been a challenging adjustment having David at home all the time.
Even more so trying to regulate his blood sugar. When it get's high it triggers outbursts of uncontrollable rages. I had to decide this month whether I was going to stay here and subject myself to his rages or walk away. His rage triggered a panic attack, and depression in me. When his sugar is not spinning out of control he is a good guy. But when he has a piss fit and does not regulate his sugar he is a monster to be around.
It took me most of the month to decide what to do. Tough decision, we have been together since 1990. There have been fits of rage throughout the time we have been together; however the were more positive times than awful. But then he was gone 3/4 of the time working on the train. So who actually knows how much of the time he spent spinning out of control. I only know what he was like around me. He seems to lose all cognizant function when he is caught up on the rages.
The challenge is to sort out how much of it is temper tantrum, and how much of it is directly related to blood sugar that is too high. His behavior has been reminiscent of my Uncle Gene's behavior. Never knew which person you were going to be with and he could switch without a second's notice. When he was nice he was wonderful, when he was raging it was like Freddie Kruger on acid. Made life around him like walking through a live mine field. Never knew when you would step on a mine. I wonder now if he had blood sugar problems as well, because he acted as if he didn't remember his "episodes". David is the same way. I thought he was just trying to not take responsibility for his crap actions to start with; but I have come to the conclusion he has no clear memory of his actions when he is in rage.
Dealing with my Uncle growing up nearly pushed me over the edge into a complete psychotic break. It took me years of work to stabilize; and it's a tenuous stability at that. (anyone that has been through that kind of on going abuse can tell you that) David's episodes triggered some pretty destabilizing reactions within myself this past month.
I made the decision to work with him a bit longer and try to help him stabilize his blood sugar. He is going to have to take responsibility for himself at some point... time will tell what happens.
I acted out and ate too much food, and crawled into my shell and hid. For some reason it seems like the fatter I get the safer I feel. Looks like I've been hiding in a fat suit.
So; what am I going to do to change my situation.
1. I am researching diabetes, looking into healthful alternatives. Reading, researching.
2. Made a weight loss goal for myself. I would love to lose 20 lbs of fat this month. That works out to an average deficit of 2,334 calories per day. I am not going to starve myself, I am going to keep track, eat healthful, and increase physical activity.
3. How am I going to accomplish the calorie deficit: gardening, hip hop abs, oxycise, turbo jam, house cleaning, walking, incline trainer.
4. Structuring my time. Not set in stone but a daily plan; with my to do list.
5. Accept the fact that there are some things I can not change. Realize that I am not responsible for the things I can not change. I am however, responsible for those things I can change.
Yes the Serenity Prayer is a Litany in my life.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
So be it!
Life is a journey... new discoveries around each twist in the path...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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