Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Boing.... Boing.... Boing....

Boing... and BOING!!!!! Monday is my usual weigh in day. So I trudged up the stairs, (I've been keeping my scale in an upstairs bedroom that I usually workout in) and stepped on it in my birthday suit. And Thar she Blew! 4 pounds up. Frustrating as that is there is also progress to be seen. Pretty nifty progress at that.

What kind of progress can be seen in a 4 pound gain in an obese (yeah that's what I said OBESE) woman's efforts to become more healthy? Svelte in fact.

Here it is. A year ago that kind of weight bounce, even though I knew my body had significant swelling, would have triggered a nasty depressive swing and uncontrollable compulsive eating. Translated: so depressed I just sat and stared at the wall uncontrollably snarfing anything remotely edible until I simply could not eat anything else.

This is HUGE, no not my rear... oh well yes that is too, but it's not what I'm talking about right now. True I was, NOT HAPPY with the weight gain. But, and it is a HUGE BUT, I am very happy that I am dealing with it in a productive emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically healthful way.

Rather than taking an uncontrollable nose dive into a black hole of self destructive depression I was able to approach this disappointment in a logical productive manner.

Here is the "result", how did I get here, what can I do about it. What steps can I take to obtain the desired result?

This is a great day indeed. I have been living on an extreme emotional/mental/physical roller-coaster ride for the majority of my life. This time around I was able to say "no thanks- I'll pass" when that ride ticket popped up.

A 4 pound weight gain is a relatively minor thing in the overall scope of things. However, in my life any kind of weight gain has been a major trigger. Things get linked up to inappropriate responses. Sorting those out and changing them to appropriate responses can make a major difference in your life.

For me in this instance, I am free to say no to some hugely self-destructive behavior that has been plaguing me for over 30 years. Now I know I can do! Not I wish I could, but I CAN!

There is a major difference. I can do says, I can do this. I may have to change directions, alter plans, and so on. But I can do.

I wish I could- or I'll try - says... I don't really believe I can. I am not really worth the effort. There is always that nagging self doubt. Often hidden deep within, that overrides every thing in your life. That hollow echoing hole of worthlessness.

Look around, see behind the masks, you are not alone in this. You can live, actually live your life, not fake it.... and here is the BIGGIE ... you can live in this life!

Here is the really really cool thing about this. If I can do this. You can too.... you can actually be free to live your life. Free to enjoy the moment. Free to actually live. Rather than subsist between crisis.

With that... I'm off to tackle the rest of my day...

Life is a journey, sometimes it's fun to stand on the top of a hill and look back at how far you've come...
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

p.s. BTW I got back on the scale this morning. It was swelling, the 4 pounds has dropped off. Had I triggered into a self destructive cycle, this bit of good news would have been too late to make any positive difference. That 4 pounds of swelling would have more than likely turned into a 15 or 20 pound real fat gain. Before the cycle spent itself.

It's good to be off that ride. ;)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Fat tired and bummed... now what do I do.

Fat tired and bummed... now what do I do. How do i make things better. I thought I was actually turning things around. but instead of losing weight I've gained 9 lbs since my last entry here. 4 pound gain this past week. Geesh...

I was doing better when I was using the daily food journal here. With the calorie count. So I'm going to use it again.

If I continue gaining i will destroy this body. It is already hard to move and breathe. I'm tired all the time.

Gotta go take care of the kennels... the dogs are counting on me for their food water and care. I am just sad... was mad... now sad.

Not binging though... so that is a good thing.

Saw mom this pst week... she looks so very old. Old age can be cruel to these bodies. On a totally selfish note... i am so not ready for her to be old. Pop's the same age... actually about 1 month younger than her. Both will be 83 this yr. July and August respectively. The docs diagnosed Pop with pancreatic cancer. He sounds good... but I always wonder if i will ever hear from him again in this life when he calls. Totally sucks. It seems like we just got to know each other... now his expiration date is coming up fast.

Went to Oregon Trail Days parade with mom and her crew from the adult living facility. I didn't last the whole parade. started getting ill in the heat and left. I was thankful they were there to take care of her. that is such a relief.

I'm not doing so good at even taking care of myself at this point.

It's hard to breathe... I know part of it is my weight... I can not believe I weigh 305 pounds. That 4 pound gain this week really threw me for a loop.

David loves me no matter how fat i am... sometimes i think he prefers me fatter... but the heavier i get the harder it is to breathe. I saw another varicose vein on the inside of my leg yesterday.

Ok... I've got to go ... get up and move... one step at a time... go take care of the kennels. Then call the electrician and get the ceiling fans installed. Then do some paperwork.

You can do this...

Yes you can...

Now move... do it now!

Life is a journey... sometimes it .....
Mary E. Robbins