Sunday, April 03, 2011

Enough Already...

Well I've decided! Grand isn't it to actually make a decision. Yup, I decided, enough already! Grand little announcement isn't it!?  I have a tendency to be a caretaker. Perhaps another word for it would be enabler. Now that doesn't sound so charming and nurturing does it? No perhaps not.

I am actually very good at it, being an enabler that is.  I've tons of experience from early childhood on.  Someone's not happy, what can I do to make it better, how can I help you, it MUST be my fault that you are a miserable ---- hmmm, should I use the word I actually thought.  I think I'll let you fill in the blank.

How did I get this way; that's actually another story entirely. Short version, it was strongly reinforced from very early childhood on. Displease someone, anyone, and the result was a tree switch, horse halter, or whatever else was handy. Usually a snapping tree branch. You know those feel much like a horse whip. Well perhaps you don't know, but I can tell you from personal experience that they do. They also raise the same kind of welts, and cut skin the same way. So I suppose I could say that enabling behavior was whipped into me, literally. The spare the rod spoil the child bit was a well chanted litany in our home.

There was nothing, that I knew of, that I could do about things then.  However; I can do something about this self-destructive enabling behavior now. Taking responsibility for other people's behavior sets you up as the recipient for all sorts of, less than desirable behaviors and situations. It tends to sneak in when you actually believe you are "only helping".  Often there is a fine line between "helping" and "enabling".

So here we are, back to what brought me to this decision. Actually it's a decision long time in coming, that has waxed and waned for years. Truthfully I am not sure just how it's going to stand now. At any rate, this is where I am now. Digging through the years of emotion buried in the fat that I've packed onto my 5 ft 7 inch frame.

Back on point, the series of events that brought me strongly to this decision came to a head yesterday.  An absolutely miserable day it was too. The irony of yesterday being an absolutely miserable day is not lost on me, I've been looking forward to nice warm weather for months.  It was a lovely spring day, no wind, mid 70's wonderful day outside. Even though it was totally marred by a totally crap attitude by my life partner.

He has been acting out like a monstrous two year old brat, no change that, his behavior has been more devious than that. More like a spoiled bratty teenager that didn't get his own way; ever since the doctor told him to cut his food intake down to 1800 calories, cut back on his alcohol, develop a regular sleep pattern, and get some exercise. She told him his A1C was totally out of line.

Hence the creation of a nasty attitude, looking for someone to blame for his own irresponsibility. Three guesses who jumped into the fray to "help"; more the fool I. I have been cooking only meals that are in that calorie range. Got him a journal to use to count his calories; and have been including him in food prep decisions.  Asking him what he thought; if he liked the meals had any ideas and so on. Only to hear snide depreciating comments. I get it that he's frustrated. No surprise there, I am too. I get it that he's looking for someone to blame for the situation he is in. So sorry I am no longer accepting that position. Want someone to hold accountable for, or blame for, the mess you've allowed your body to become. Look in the mirror. It's all on you.  Just like the 161 lbs I have to lose is all on me.

So how is this "Enough Already" decision going to play out?  Well, I'm  not sure. I am going to continue to plan out meals that are in the 1800 daily calorie range. I told the doctor I would, and I need to do this for myself as well. I am not however, going to fawn after my life partner asking him what he would like; or to even help plan. If he wants any input he will have to step up and make the effort to become involved. Nor am I cooking separate meals, if he doesn't like what I've prepped.

I am no longer going to be asking him if he has his journal, insulin, vitamins, etc.  How he handles taking care of his body is up to him. Perhaps, I am hoping anyway, he will step up and do what his body requires him to do to be healthy. I hope so because I actually do love my husband, and would like to have some quality time with him. I wish I could just "fix it" but I can't, it's up to him. That's been a very hard realization to come to.

I suppose the final comment that was a reality check for me was. When I asked him if  he was ok, and did he like the meal. After I'd spent considerable time sorting out the calorie counts and remaking the recipes, as well as prepping the meal.  He snapped at me, and when I asked him what was wrong he said: I am miserable, and you may as well be too. I had already done everything I could think of to try to help him and this was a bit of an eye opener. It was also the last straw after another day full of petty nastiness.

He is miserable because he is choosing to be miserable!

Hence the journey to Enough Already!  I am done. I love him, but this behavior is not acceptable.  I am no longer taking responsibility nor blame for his, nor for anyone's, choices other than my own.

Today is a new day.
I am thankful for peace in my heart and mind.

My husband is in God's hands, and responsible for his own choices.

Perhaps, now that I will no longer be treating him like a bratty child he will no longer act like one. No I am not blaming myself for his behavior, only accepting responsibility for my culpability in said situation.

Life is a journey, sometimes there are boulders in the road. It's up to you how you respond to them.
Mary E. Robbins

The End of March 2011

Ok this is the third time I tried to start writing this post.  So here goes. March 31st 2011, and I got on the scale this morning to a charming weight of 306 pounds. Kinda disgusted with that. But it is what it is; going on from here.

I suppose I could make all kinds of excuses, but truth be told there aren't really any.  I knew I was eating too much but did it anyway. I will say things seemed pretty pointless and I developed an attitude of "what's the point".  It's crazy frustrating when you are trying to change your lifestyle and those you live with are acting out over it.  It's seemed like every time I worked out or lost a pound he would go and get ice-cream or pie. Oh yes, I know I am fully responsible for my own actions. I crashed and burned in a nasty depression.

So here I am, 306 lbs.  There has been an interesting development. The hubs had a doctor's appointment and she chewed him up and spat him out.  I knew he was eating himself to death, but his sugar reading was really bad.  Doc told him to reduce his consumption to 1800 calories a day. She also increased his long acting insulin.

The first day was full of temper tantrums and whining. Today has been better about the eating. Both of us are doing the 1800 cal.  It is such a relief to not have him stuffing three meals down his throat at one sitting.  Really helps to actually be making these changes with someone rather than going against the tide.

He wanted some new bib overalls and thought he wore a 38.  Surprise, surprise, he ended up with size 44 before they fit right. That was a bit of an eye opener too.  I haven't done any better since I had surgery either. Very limited activity and yes some emotional eating too.  I've gained 3.5 inches on my bust putting it at a resounding 51.5 inches.

Truth be told I kinda freaked out over 1800 cal a day too, but there is actually plenty to eat depending on how you choose your food.

I've been really worried about the hubs. He has been home since the first of the year and really packing it in. This visit to the doctor was a good thing. Maybe we will have some more years to enjoy... rather than just existing sliding into an unhealthy demise.

I am really looking forward to no longer carrying around 161 extra pounds.  Rather than looking at the total weight to lose, I am looking at one day at a time, changing lifestyle, and 5 to 10 percent of my weight. They say losing 10 % of your weight can make a huge difference in your health. I hope they are right.  So here we go... looking at 10 % of my weight; that would be 30.6 lbs. When that is off I'll look at the next 10%. That first 10% lost will take my weight down to 275.4 lbs. Still seems like a lot but it's under 300 lbs. That is something to celebrate as far as I'm concerned.

When I got on the scale this morning I was afraid I was over 310.  I was very relieved that I wasn't . That in itself was a victory today.

Finally got wifi set up so I can use the interactive trainer in my treadmill.  Started on that today too. Kicked my behind. WoW, it's amazing the difference the incline makes. That was quite the workout, huge difference from walking or running on a relatively level trail.  This training program jumped up to 26% incline. I lasted 15 minutes. May not be very long, but I'm going back at it again. I have Ifit for a year before I need to renew it. I am determined to make good use of it.

Slowly working on de-cluttering my home as well. Wish I could instantly have that done, but its a process to be sure. I read an article that said clutter had a negative effect on weight loss. I can believe it. Get frustrated over the mess and just go eat. Look at the whole thing and become overwhelmed and go sit in the corner of the couch and hide. Been there done that. There is so much friggen mail. Good grief. It's not just mail though.  Making changes, one day one trash can at a time...

Life is a journey, sometimes the trail is twisty
Mary E. Robbins