I am Worth It!

I've been working on health issues, for some time now. I've always been a yo-yo in the weight dept. then I exploded into a jabba the hut before the remake and stayed there. I'd made some positive changes, started going down in weight, changing my body composition, working out and so on. Lost 20 some pounds.
Then I totally lost it... total overload and I triggered into compulsive eating. Blew up again... gained back what I had lost... this last time it was a 17 pound gain and an 11 inch gain...ugh.

Making changes in my life, working on the total person. I am Not eating compulsively/bingeing now. May 1st I weighed 296 lbs. Today I am at 292. No I am not starving myself. I am working out on my elliptical daily. I am at 7 kilometers on hills. I stay at the same distance for 7 workouts... then add a kilometer.

I am using the food and fitness Journal at My Everyday Health to track calories. Found that yesterday. I was amazed at how many calories my breakfast actually had in it.

I want a toned athletic form. My goal weight is 145 lbs. I want to walk a marathon later this year. Not run it... I want to be able to walk it. I turned 50 in Feb. I do not want to be carrying around the weight of 2 people by the time I turn 51.

Fat has been a hiding place for me. An emotional insulator so to speak. I would lose weight... then trigger. It's like there are land mines hidden in the fat. As I lose the fat they become exposed and explode.... and set off an eating binge. Leading to a borderline catatonic state.

So... I'm doing the work. bit by bit digging through the mental, emotional, whatever, crap... or issues... triggers... whatever you want to call it. Taking my life back from the psychological debris of yester years.

This behavior started a long time ago. I managed a moderate weight until my late 20's then I started gaining more. Even at a moderate weight, in high school and college I saw myself as fat and ugly. Not worth it.

I remember as a child, being yelled at and then going to find something to eat... being whipped then burying my self in food. What was right one day was wrong the next, and vise versa; I never knew what would set them off. The verbal abuse left deeper scars, and longer lasting side effects than the whipping did.

I remember coming home from middle school, or junior high, as they called it back in the day. Standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open and shoving food in my mouth until I couldn’t eat any more…. And didn’t feel any more.

Then I would chop wood for hours, run, walk, ride my horse... this pattern continued ... eat till you were ill and or numb... then extreme activity.
Things came to a head within myself, when my weight went over 300 lbs. I hit a major psychological crisis point. The lowest of the low. I refuse to live like this any more.

I am worth it. I can do the work; I am doing the work, because I am worth it.
I am getting healthy... Mind.. Body and Spirit...

Life is a Journey, sometimes the trail is twisty.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch
307.788.0202